Personal Care

MAGA Mouthwash™

Nuance antiseptic

Kills 99.9% of nuance.

Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.

Nuance builds up along the gumline of every conversation — the "howevers," the "it depends," the "to be fair." MAGA Mouthwash™ kills 99.9% of it in a single 30-second rinse, leaving a clean, absolute, minty finish.

Available in Original Blue and Extra Certainty.

ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice

Drug Facts

Active ingredientPurpose

Cetylpyridinium Chloride 0.07%, Absolutism 21%Nuance antiseptic

Uses

Kills the words "however," "arguably," and "on the other hand"
Reduces qualifying clauses by up to 99.9%
Freshens takes

Warnings

Do not swallow. Swallowing your take is the opposite of the intended effect.
The surviving 0.1% of nuance is drug-resistant and should be avoided.
May cause dry mouth, hot takes, and estrangement.

Directions

Fill cap to line.
Swish 30 seconds. Do not gargle — gargling reintroduces complexity.
Spit out qualifiers. Do not rinse with water.

Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.