Personal Care

MAGA Dry™

Now with 40% fewer rights.

$17.76$24.76

Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.

Somewhere along the way, personal comfort became a right. MAGA Dry™ respectfully disagrees. Our pharmaceutical-grade friction blend puts the difficulty back where the Founders intended it.

Each 4 oz. bottle delivers up to 300 applications of pure, uncompromising resistance. Fragrance-free, water-repellent, and morally certain.

ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice

Drug Facts

Active ingredientPurpose

Friction 99.4%Comfort suppressant

Uses

Temporarily relieves ease, glide, and slip
Restores the dignity of struggle to consenting adults
Reduces the likelihood of anyone enjoying anything

Warnings

Discontinue use if pleasure occurs.
Do not apply liberally. Do not apply liberally in the political sense either.
Not compatible with latex, silicone, or the concept of mutual satisfaction.
Rights not included. Rights sold separately. Rights currently unavailable in your state.

Directions

Shake vigorously while maintaining eye contact with a framed portrait.
Apply a thin layer. Regret immediately.
Reapply as friction subsides.

Other information

Store at room temperature. Do not store next to anything progressive.

Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.