Welcome to Lake America.
For four hundred years, the fourteenth-largest lake on Earth answered to a name it never chose. That era is over, effective immediately and retroactively.
About this collection
Red State Remedies is proud to be the first — and, counsel notes, only — outfitter of the inaugural boating season on renamed water. The water is the same. The gulls are the same. The paperwork is brand new, and you are not ready for it. We can help.
Satire. The renaming is real; the store is not. No product on this page exists, floats, navigates, catches fish, or keeps anything cold.
The lake at a glance
- Surface area
- 7,340 sq. mi. (unchanged)
- Maximum depth
- 802 ft. (unchanged)
- Shoreline
- 712 mi., both sides briefed
- Previous name
- “Ontario,” from the Wendat Ontari’io. In service 400+ years.
- Current name
- “America.” In service since August 27, 2026.
- Water
- The same water
- Far shore
- 51st State (Processing)
Four essentials. Zero function.
Lake America FAQ
Is the water different now?
The water has been notified and is expected to comply.
Does my old gear still work?
Your existing gear refers to the lake by its former name. Legally gray. Shop accordingly.
What about fish caught before the renaming?
Legacy fish may be kept, but should be re-labeled before consumption.
Can Canadians still use the lake?
See “Far shore,” above.
What happens if I call it Lake Ontario?
The first correction is free.
Is any of this real?
The lake is real. The order is real. The store is not. Nothing here is for sale, and nothing here floats.
Lake Ontario’s name comes from the Wendat word Ontari’io — “great lake” — and predates both countries that share it. This page is parody commenting on the executive order of August 27, 2026; it is not affiliated with any government, party, campaign, or lake.