Lake America

MAGA Cooler™

Cold retention, asserted

The ice is fine.

$199.76

Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.

Every premium cooler on the market obsesses over one number: how long the ice lasts. MAGA Cooler™ liberates you from the number. A bold lid-mounted display reads ICE: FINE continuously, regardless of conditions inside the cooler, outside the cooler, or in the scientific literature.

We removed the insulation, because insulation is a mandate. What remains is a confident 48-quart shell, a satisfying latch, and a reading you can trust because it never changes.

ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice

Drug Facts

Active ingredientPurpose

Roto-molded shell, 48 qt.; lid display, one (1) messageCold retention, asserted

Uses

Holds up to 48 quarts of beverages at whatever temperature they choose
Reports the state of the ice at a glance, incorrectly

Warnings

The display is not connected to the sensor. The sensor is not connected to anything.
Melting is a natural cycle this cooler declines to interfere with.
Do not store perishables. Or do. The cooler will report that they are fine.

Directions

Fill with ice before departing for Lake America.
Close the lid firmly.
Do not reopen. Reopening is how doubt gets in.

Other information

Ice retention: up to 10 days, as measured by the lid.

Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.