★★★★★
“Wore it all season on Lake America. Never tested it. Never will. That is what faith looks like.”
Lake America
MAGA Life Vest™
Flotation, declarative
Buoyant by executive order.
New Department
$89.76
Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.
Conventional life vests float because of what is inside them. MAGA Life Vest™ floats because of what is declared about it. Each vest ships with the flotation foam removed and replaced by one (1) laminated, notarized Certificate of Buoyancy, worn at chest height where first responders can read it.
Cut for the first official boating season on Lake America — the body of water formerly filed under Ontario — in a coyote tan that pairs with our full tactical line.
ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice
Drug Facts
Active ingredientPurpose
One (1) Certificate of Buoyancy, laminated, notarizedFlotation, declarative
Uses
- Announces that the wearer floats
- Keeps the paperwork dry at the exact moment you are not
Warnings
- This vest does not float. The certificate says it does. Only one of these can be true, and we have chosen the certificate.
- Not Coast Guard approved. The Coast Guard was asked to leave.
- In an emergency, present the certificate to the water.
Directions
- Buckle all three straps.
- Read the certificate aloud before entering the water.
- Enter the water with full confidence in the document.
Other information
One size fits all, per the certificate.
Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.
Verified* Reviews
*Not verified. Not reviews. Not real people.
★☆☆☆☆
“The certificate survived. I nearly did not. The lifeguard read it while towing me in.”
