RED STATE REMEDIES PRESENTS

The Freedom
Arcade.

Five games. Zero coins.
Chud Spangled. Our most loyal customer.

COGNITIVE WELLNESS · PLEASE STAND BY

Chud Spangled arrives on his red scooter

Cognitive Wellness Division

When a White House intern steals your idea… you give them something to copy.

The Freedom
Arcade.

Meet Chud Spangled. Our most loyal customer.
Five clinically untested games. Free of charge, regrettably.

Touch + keyboard · No login · Scores stay on this device

Chud Spangled on his red mobility scooter, giving a thumbs-up.

Cognitive Wellness · Free of Charge, Regrettably

The Freedom Arcade.

Five clinically untested instruments for the maintenance of the core patriot faculties: mobility without effort, structural denial, striking disloyalty the instant it surfaces, perceiving crowds at their true size, and discovering who pays the tariff.

Screen time is a crisis when it happens to other people's children. Yours is maintenance. The devices below are provided at no cost, a pricing error we have decided to live with, and they collect nothing — no login, no leaderboard, no telemetry. Your scores are kept in your browser and shown to no one, which is the only appropriate audience for achievements of this kind.

Every remedy in this catalog was formulated for one man. Meet Chud Spangled, our most loyal customer. He has never requested a second opinion.

Original character by Forbidden HQ (@wearforbidden). “Chud Spangled” is our rendition. No affiliation or endorsement.

Choose your therapy

Pick a cabinet. Chud will take it from here.

COGNITIVE WELLNESS / SURVEILLANCE EDITION

Scooter Run

Three excuses. An entire surveillance state. Keep moving.

ENDLESS ARCADE CHASE · JUMP / DUCK / BLAME

SCORE0000000

MULTI×1

SECTOR01

EXCUSES

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCHKeep moving. You have nothing to hide. Allegedly.

PATIENT 01 · THREAT TO HIMSELF

SCOOTER
RUN

THE SURVEILLANCE STATE
IS OPEN FOR BUSINESS.

SPACE TO START · NO COINS REQUIRED

Chud Spangled on his scooter, giving a thumbs up under surveillance

CLEAN PASSES build your multiplier. Snacks charge the BLAME shield.

HI 0000000

FIELD MANUAL

Jump potholes, recycling bins, free libraries, EV chargers, yard sales, and bike lanes. Duck under the facial-recognition drone’s cyan beam. The red striped bases mark real ground hazards, and a red ! lights over each one shortly before it arrives. Grey drones, cameras and vans are scenery; gold coupons under a drone are safe to collect.

Three hits end a run. Clear obstacles without a hit to build up to ×8 points. Collect high snack lines to charge BLAME faster. At 100%, press X or Shift for 1.2 seconds of protection. Sectors get faster and denser every 18 seconds. There is no finish line.

Original character by Forbidden HQ. Our rendition. No affiliation or endorsement. Nothing for sale.

Structural Denial Device

Hold the Stairs

Stack the stockpile. Keep the stairs clear.

BLOCK PUZZLE · ARROWS OR TOUCH

0 pts0 rowsLv 10:30

Structural Denial DeviceHold the StairsBasement Edition

Stack boxes. Hold the stairs.

The stairs are quiet. The Wi-Fi is paid through the month.

Chud Spangled is a rendition of a character created by Forbidden HQ (@wearforbidden), who had nothing to do with this and would probably like that on the record. No affiliation, no endorsement, nothing for sale. Mom is a composite.

Reflex Therapy Device

Whack-a-RINO™

Strike disloyalty the moment it surfaces.

30-SECOND ROUND · TOUCH / KEYBOARD

Tap RINOs +10, gold +50. Spare the eagle −25. Empty holes −5. Streaks multiply, up to ×5.

Reflex therapy instructions

Republicans In Name Only will emerge from the arena below. Strike them before they vote their conscience. Do not strike the eagle. The eagle is load-bearing.

Every five straight strikes raise the multiplier, to ×5. An empty hole, the eagle, or a RINO that gets away resets it. Score and clock are on the booth's marquee.

Keyboard: use 1–9, or move with the arrow keys and press Enter or Space to strike.

0 PTS0:30×1

Tap a target, or focus the board and press 1–9. Arrow keys move; Space or Enter strikes.

The arena is quiet. Too quiet.

Patriot Points™ are redeemable for nothing and expire on contact with reality.

Original character by Forbidden HQ (@wearforbidden). “Chud Spangled” is our rendition. No affiliation or endorsement.

Vision Assessment Instrument

Crowd Size Estimator™

The only eye exam you cannot fail.

QUICK QUIZ · PICK AN ANSWER

AERIAL REVIEWILLUSTRATED VIEW

Chud Spangled at his computer, reviewing the crowd

YOUR ASSESSORChud SpangledAwaiting your estimate

MAKE IT OFFICIAL

Study the aerial view and select your estimate of attendance. The instrument will correct it.

This instrument has never returned a different result.

Original character by Forbidden HQ (@wearforbidden). “Chud Spangled” is our rendition. No affiliation or endorsement.

Economic Self-Defense Device · NEW

Tariff Ricochet

Launch the tariff. Dodge your own bill.

BANK-SHOT ARCADE · AIM / STEER / SURVIVE

POINTS0WALLET$100AISLE1/3SHOTS3

Goods caught: 0Receipts paid: $0

Original character by Forbidden HQ (@wearforbidden). “Chud Spangled” is our rendition. No affiliation or endorsement.

Parody notice

Red State Remedies is a work of political satire and parody. It is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or connected to any political party, campaign, candidate, government agency, or actual manufacturer. All products are fictional, none are for sale, and none should be used for anything.

The games above are free, which we consider a loss and are handling privately. No score, streak, or defeat leaves your browser. No crowd was counted in the making of these instruments, which is the point. No scooter was charged. The bike lane is fictional and so, we are assured, is the mailman. Mom is a composite and has not been told. No government website was consulted. Twice.

Replay the intro. The entrance plays on your first visit when browser storage is available. Your scores stay here.