★★★★★
“Six weeks in and I can feel my teeth thinking for themselves.”
Natural Remedies
MAGA Toothpaste™
Cavity preservation
Protects your cavities from outside interference.
Fluoride-Free
$6.76
Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.
For decades your teeth were enrolled in a mineral program you never signed up for. MAGA Toothpaste™ ends the program. Our fluoride-free formula cleans the surface and leaves everything underneath to you and your dentist, if you still have one.
Mint-adjacent flavor, 4.2 oz tube. Recommended by zero out of five dentists, which is how you know it is independent.
ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice
Drug Facts
Active ingredientPurpose
Chalk 20%, Freedom of Choice 15%Cavity preservation
Uses
- Preserves existing cavities in their natural state
- Helps defend enamel against unwanted minerals
- Freshens breath, briefly, from a safe distance
Warnings
- This is not a toothpaste in the sense you are used to.
- Stop use if your dentist begins using the word "ambitious."
- Keep out of reach of children, whose teeth have to last longer than yours.
Directions
- Adults and children 2 years and over: brush thoroughly after meals.
- Do not rinse. Rinsing is how they get in.
- See a dentist regularly, from across the street.
Other information
Contains no fluoride. Contains nothing that would have prevented this.
Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.
Verified* Reviews
*Not verified. Not reviews. Not real people.
★★★★☆
“Tastes like a chalkboard and a principle. Lost a molar. Kept my independence.”
★☆☆☆☆
“Business has never been better. One star because I feel bad about it.”
