★★★★★
“My skin has never been softer and my dog has never followed me closer.”
Natural Remedies
MAGA Tallow™
Moisturizer, bovine
Seed-oil free. Cow-forward.
Small Batch
$38.76
Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.
Your great-grandmother never used a seed oil, and we have chosen not to look into how she turned out. MAGA Tallow™ is rendered from grass-fed suet, whipped by hand, and packed in an amber apothecary jar that makes it look older than it is.
Apply to face, hands, cast-iron skillets, and the leather of a well-loved truck seat. 4 oz. Unscented, technically.
ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice
Drug Facts
Active ingredientPurpose
Rendered beef suet 98%, Nostalgia 2%Moisturizer, bovine
Uses
- Moisturizes dry or cracked skin, and cast iron
- Forms a protective barrier against seed oils, sunscreen, and evidence
- Leaves skin with a soft, satin, griddle-ready finish
Warnings
- For external use only. Internal use is called dinner.
- Keep away from dogs, who know exactly what this is.
- Discontinue use if bears become interested.
- Do not store above 90°F. It becomes a gravy situation.
Directions
- Warm a small amount between palms until it smells like a diner.
- Apply in upward strokes. Wait for compliments, or flies.
- Reapply after each meal.
Other information
Contains beef. Contains only beef.
Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.
Verified* Reviews
*Not verified. Not reviews. Not real people.
★★★★★
“I glow. I also sizzle slightly in direct sun.”
★★★☆☆
“Works great, but my wife says the bedroom smells like a rib place. Two stars off for that and for nothing else.”
