★★★★★
“My doctor talked for ten minutes and I did not hear a single thing. Incredible clarity.”
Vision & Hearing
MAGA Hearing Aids™
Hear what you already agreed with.
$899.76$1299.76
Ships in 3–5 business days from a warehouse that does not exist.
Modern hearing aids amplify everything indiscriminately — including things you would rather not have heard. MAGA Hearing Aids™ use adaptive ideological noise-cancellation to suppress peer-reviewed research, credentialed professionals, and audio of you saying the opposite last year.
Three listening profiles: Rally (all frequencies, maximum gain), Cable News (single frequency, locked), and Deposition (complete silence).
ParodyNot for saleNot medical advice
Drug Facts
Active ingredientPurpose
Selective Amplification Processor, 8-channelAuditory conflict avoidance
Uses
- Suppresses statistics, studies, and the phrase "actually, the data shows"
- Mutes anyone introduced with a title
- Cancels archival audio of the wearer
Warnings
- May amplify anything said loudly enough, regardless of accuracy.
- Will not filter praise, applause, or your own name.
- Feedback whine occurs near fact-checkers.
Directions
- Insert. Select profile.
- If you hear something you disagree with, the device is malfunctioning. Return for replacement.
Other information
Rechargeable. Battery life: 4 years.
Questions? There is no number to call. This panel is a parody of the FDA Drug Facts label. Nothing described here exists, and nothing here is medical advice.
Verified* Reviews
*Not verified. Not reviews. Not real people.